| haha, i miss the silliness |
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| 12:24am 20/11/2009 |
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ann: gimme more of ur thoughts!
nemesis: lol
nemesis: i'm thinking
nemesis: don't commit to anything
nemesis: and see where things go from here
nemesis: i feel like a fortune cookie
ann: LOL!
ann: *crack open another one*
ann: i want another fortune
nemesis: nemesis wants pancakes for breakfast. make him pancakes.
ann: NO.
ann: im a magic 8 ball!
nemesis: DON'T DISOBEY THE FORTUNE!
ann: don't fight the 8 ball! >.>
nemesis: i don't like this game ><
ann: maybe fortune cookies and magic 8 ball don't get along |
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| it was meant for someone else |
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| 09:46pm 19/11/2009 |
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4 out of the 5 people in our office are sick today. and 3 of them stayed home today, so it was only me and 1 other lady who was so sick that she was dying by the minute -_- but thanks to that, we went home earlier than normal. what was kind of annoying was that my boss told me to come in early, and i did and she didn't show up rawr!!
i think i'll go back to blogging more frequently because i've been too lazy to write in my journal. the point of my journal was to help me remember what happened everyday, but i started writing things like "not much. RO. Knotts. 7:3opm - 3am D: Overtime. Was at Franklin's. Got a call from mum." so there is really no point. that was an actual entry from my journal, haha. my journal is actually more like a log. it's less personal than my blog sometimes. it sounds like a daily log of a captain of a ship. it's because i think faster than i can write so i tend not to write down my thoughts and feelings. i blog my feelings cuz i can type almost as fast as i can think [i know, i think slow].
i thought Spring Roll was gonna come into work today so i bought a big old cup of Lee's coffee but he called in sick. bastard! Tee was too sick to drink it so i've been drinking most of it... i still have a lot left over >< don't think i'll be able to sleep tonight. i kinda wanna play RO but i also wanna do something different tonight. somehow i managed to make a mess in my room again -_- im also a bit hyper.
even though there was only 2 of us working today, i didn't feel stress out and time was flying by. i think i was enjoying myself. i think it's because Tee doesn't freak out the same way my boss does, so it doesn't stress me out. also, i was handling most of the files by myself with little instructions, i felt like i knew what i was doing, as opposed to my usual cluelessness. i think if i was trained properly, i would rock at this job. i know, so much confidence XD but i do think this is an easy job. it's not fun, but it's easy and it makes good money.
i think i will quit knotts soon. i keep saying that and i still haven't done it. but i'll be going to texas for christmas and i don't think knotts will let me take 2 weeks off during their peaked season. plus, i'm not being scheduled to work enough and when they do, they do it on important days -.- like like saturdays :p haha but it's so fun working during the days when they're so busy >.< everytime i think about that i don't want to quit >.< watch, i'll still be there in 3 months haha.
i thought i got rejected from the peace corps because of lack of experience, but i'm getting my interview sometimes in december! XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD lol XD unfortunately it'll be on the same day as my flight back to texas. i bet you imma miss my flight again XD JET application is due in less than a week T-T and i still need a doctor clearance. siigh. the doctor that was following my case is a UCI doctor and they won't take appointment from graduated students D: i think im in a pinch. rawr!!! but she's the only one who is most knowledgable about my case, even if the information is 2 years out of date >< rawr, i wudn't know who else to ask D: plus, only a few days left T-T man, i'm screwing myself over. watch me not get into anything D:
whatever, at least i know what i want to do with my life now.
i'm a lot less stress out now that the night shift for Knotts had stopped. but i've been staying up so late recently that it's affecting me. rawr. it's all adeline's fault. but at least i'm happy :] |
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| Thank you for this quote |
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| 07:31pm 09/11/2009 |
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It takes courage to be the author of your life. When you are struggling through one of the difficult parts of turning your dreams into reality, you may wonder why you always get stuck with having to put up with so much fear and uncertainty. Why, you wonder, couldn't I feel more courageous, like those other people do? You don't feel courageous because courage is not an emotion. There is no such thing as feeling "courageous". It is an imaginary emotion. Courage consists of doing what you said you would do even when you don't want to. In the face of danger you have a choice to be the delegate of either your commitments or your feelings. It's as simple and as difficult as that.
- Nicholas Lore, "The Pathfinder"
That quote couldn't come into my life at a better time. So much truth that it hurts. |
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| it's more entertaining |
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| 05:08pm 01/11/2009 |
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last entry i ranted about my life, now i will rave about it.
i don't know if i mentioned it, but i really like my new place. there are many things about the house itself i don't like, but i like the environment, the people that live here. i love my landlady and the four kids.
i should becareful since my landlady also has a facebook XD i guess if she friended me, i'll make this entry "friends only". lol. buttttttttttt!!! i think she's a total MILF XD she's hella pretty and she knows how to make herself looks totally hot. for halloween she was a nascar flag girl =O she's has four kids, a lot older than us, but she looks like she's one of us and acts like one of us. one day i got out of work early and came home, her reaction was "*GASP* You're home early! That means I can go party! YEAH!" and she did a little dance. haha, she cracks me up. but as a part of the deal for my cheap rent, i am to watch the kids whenever she goes out.
in addition to the cheap rent, and access to everything to the house, she also feeds me. so yes, i have it good right now. when i'm at the office job, my boss feeds me every lunch. when i come home, my landlady feeds me. the only time i buy food is when i crave something or when i go out with people, but that rarely happens nowadays.
the kids are adorable. they're a bit shy at first, except for one of them. the oldest one i'll call Kay, second one is Cee, and the twins are Jay and Em. Jay is the one that's not shy. she talks A LOT. i remember the first time i met her, she was telling about her friend's birthday and she ran out of breath mid-sentence, so she breath in and keeps going XD she's also the one that's in my room a lot, counting my coins, then pens, and going through my bag. it's weird, Em is the youngest but also the one that acts the most responsible. she does what she is told and more. she sweeps the house when it's dirty, and helps her mum with the dishes. she amazes me. Cee is really peculiar to me. she's a bit aloof, so i thought she didn't like me at first, but she's very fond of me. i don't have much to say about Kay, she's the oldest and knows more than the other, so it's possible to have comprehensive conversation with her.
i guess the one thing i don't like about the kids is that they go through my stuff when i'm not home sometimes. and how i found out is that they rat each other out, lol. "Kay was in your room this morning when you weren't home" "Cee was taking this out of your box" haha. i haven't got mad at them yet so they're not scared of me. but they do listen if i ask nicely.
i still remember the night i moved in. "Is she sleeping over?" "MOM!! She's setting up her bed!" and i'm pretty sure Jay was the one that peeked through the door and i told she can come in, "Are you sleeping over?" "Yeah, i'll b e living with you from now on" "*gasp* really? you're gonna stay her forever?" "yeah" "forever and ever?" XD i love them. although i still can't tell the twin aparts. if they're next to each other, i can tell, but now when they're apart D: so i have to becareful not to mix up their names.
yes, that's my life at home. i believe i can have visitors, so come by play with me sometimes :D |
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| against my better judgment |
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| 01:16pm 25/10/2009 |
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this is a much needed venting entry.
if only i know where to begin...
this past month...has been exhausting. working two jobs, doing at least 60 - 75 hours a week. surprisingly, i have the stamina to keep going, or maybe i regenerate during the weekend to keep this up but there is no way to recover the mental exhaustion. and as of yesterday, my mind has reached its limit.
when i play the Sims, and give my Sim a job...there is hardly enough time to get her to eat, have fun, shower and sleep. usually fun is sacrificed in order to meet her other urgent needs, such as sleep. if this goes on long enough, her crystal would turn into a deep red color and she would burst out crying in the middle of something. i am that Sim now.
and it wasn't just the work that pushes me here. there is a sense of failure accompanying all of this. along with bottled frustration and anger.
the anger is directed at my parents. against my better judgment, i still blame them for getting me into this situation. i am not as thankful to them for finding me a job as i should be. and i know very well that they are not to blame, so you don't need to tell me that. but i think a large part of my pride has been hurt. i see this office job as a hand-out. i didn't find the job, it was handed to me... and that's nothing for me to be proud of. i don't hate the job. i don't like it either. i see it as a steady income. my boss is really nice, so are the other people i work with. except for Hyena. but it's not what i want to do. it was not part of the plan. it's a big inconvenience. i see it as a big interference from my parents and it's because of this interference that i'm angry at them. and because of this anger that i blame them for everything, even though i know they're not at fault and that i always have the option of stop working. and yesterday, when i was at the edge of my limit, my mum called and i took it out on her. i didn't feel any better, in fact, i felt worse. and i finally broke down.
so, here's where my stupidity comes into play. i don't need two jobs. the smart decision would be to quit knotts and just work the office job. it provide enough income for me to live on. knotts gives me very little. hardly worth the stress. but i decided to keep it because 1- it's a job i found on my own, albeit, not the best find, but I found it nevertheless. 2- it's fun to work there. it's different and i like the people i met. i'm working with people my age..and not people who has kids my age. those are really the only reasons. and as of now, those reasons seem to be worth the stress because apparently i'm still working there.
the down side is that i have no time for things i want to do. and i feel like i'm straying away from my dreams. i'm being kept so busy and distracted that my dreams seem to be harder to achieve. i feel left behind. while others can go on pursuing their dreams... i'm stuck earning money to get by. it's a miserable existence. it's not much to look forward to. and i fear that by the time i'm free enough to chase after my dreams it would be too late.
it doesn't help that i haven't talked to anyone lately. i'm bottled up my feelings until i finally exploded yesterday... but since it wasn't the right thing to do... i still feel miserable.
i thought writing this would help me feel better. but it didn't. has writing finally failed me? |
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| things the lead up to now |
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| 11:19pm 25/09/2009 |
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i was surprised that i wasn't tired by 7pm when i started my shift at knotts. in fact, i had so much energy that i was dancing and hopping around. a few monsters nearby was amused by what i was doing and started dancing with me. someone got it on tape -.-
in case you didn't already know, i have two jobs now. a full time front desk job in garden grove, and seasonal job at knotts. ironically how it works out. the day after i got hired for knotts, my dad called me and said someone is gonna call me about a job offer. then my mum followed up with that and said "you better not turn it down". so i'm thinking, "it'll take sometimes before they would actually hire me anyway, might as well go a long with it." wrong! this past wednesday, this guy called me and told me to come in so they can meet me. i thought he was the boss since he was telling me what to do and such. when i got there, the actual owner told me to fill out an employment form and went to the back to have a discussion with her co-worker and such. then she came back out and told me to work there as a trial and i started working on the same day. by the way, they're all vietnamese, so things aren't always legit and according to the law and such. she didn't tell me when my trial would end, so she told me to come back on thursday so i can meet the guy i talked to on the phone. i came back thursday and work like a regular, the guy did come by, and he said "you're doing ok?" and left -.- really? what was the point?
and at this point in time, i still don't know if i'm only working as trial or if this is for real. and i also don't know how much i am being paid or when i'm being paid -.- but it's okay to let this slide because since my parents know their family... i'm kind of protected, in a weird sort of way.
i'm pretty sure im working there as a regular now since the boss has been teaching me a lot of stuff and i'm more useful than i was on wednesday.
n00b [a b c d] awesome front desk clerk
a = ann on wednesday
b = ann on tuesday
c = ann on thursday
d = where ann wants to be
// rant begins
there is one person in the office that i don't necessary hate, but i don't like her. i'll call her Hyena... i dunno why. she's looks like she could be in her late 40s, but she dresses like she's 20 and tries to be cute. i dunno what's up her butt, but she always give me a hard time. she expects me to know everything even tho it's just my 2nd day. whenever i ask her a question, she gave this annoyed scoff with the tone "you're bothering me with a question again?" one time, she told me to sort out the documents in the fax machine and i asked her a question because i have no idea what the documents mean and where they go, and she said "why don't you read it and find out yourself?" i did read it bitch, it's still foreign to me. i didn't say that, but i told her i don't understand since it was all coded and short-hands, so she looks at it and said "i don't know what it means either, you're interrupting me with your question." i made a point to avoid asking her a question if i can help it. but i still have to ask her questions when she makes me do stuff for her, because she gives vague-ass directions. like just hand me a pile of paper and said nothing, like wtf am i suppose to do with them -_- i really don't like her. //rant ended. sorry, i really had to vent about her -_-
my boss is a little bit more understanding, although not patience. it's okay. she's giving me the chance to learn. but i have to say, she talks really fast and her instructions aren't always clear and i feel stupid for having to ask her for clarifications -.- but the boss's nephew, Spring Roll, comes in to help out at the office also. he told me that the people in that office don't give very good instructions, so he's been mentoring me when he's there. i was glad i'm not the only one who feels that way. i think everyone in that office, except for Spring Roll, expect me to read their mind and know the procedures for everything already -_-
today is also my first day at knotts. it was fun for me ^^ i'm a bit sad i had to leave early, cuz i was mentally prepared to work 16 hours. i was pretty excited since it was Halloween Haunt and everything. i wave at the monsters when i see them and pretend i'm not scared of them. but i jumped and meeped/yelped/meowed whenever they're scaring other people and i'm nearby -.- but by pretending i'm not scared of them, i've successfully made them not target me :D as opposed to my co-worker who runs away from them and they keep chasing after her. too bad Halloween Haunt isn't free. i wanna gooooo. |
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| favorite part |
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| 02:31pm 04/09/2009 |
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when i was being interviewed at Knotts, the interviewer asked me what was my favorite part when i was working at universal studio. and i took my time thinking then said "the discount, because i get 30% off and they have a candy store there that i really like and i can get the candy for a lot cheaper." that's really what i said. i'm thinking about it now and i feel like an idiot for actually saying that outloud -_- but it's true! that was my favorite part about working at universal studio. on my last day there i bought a giant bag of candy for $6 >_< |
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| dim sum annventure |
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| 03:36am 31/08/2009 |
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when i was leaving irvine, i was a bit hungry and thinking of going to garden grove to get some pho. but coincidentally, i found the direction to yum cha cafe in westminster stuck between the hand brake and the passenger seat. i'm in favor of dim sum anytime, especially cheap and yummy dim sum. so i changed my dinner plan to dim sum.
yum cha is one of those dim sum take out place btw.
when i was there, i wanted to get the shrimp rice cake thing that you eat with soy sauce. i have no idea what it is called in vietnamese, so i asked the lady who was serving me.
our conversation was all in vietnamese, btw.
me: What's number 30 on the menu? [[I was pointing at the menu on the wall, the name of the dishes were in English and Chinese]]
lady #1: Number 30? [[she looked up to where I pointed]] I don't read Chinese and I don't know English either. Do you know what it's called?
me: No, I was hoping you would. [o_O]
We both laughed at the silly situation. At this point, another lady had came up to the counter and looked at the menu too.
lady #1: you don't even know how to read, you wouldn't be of help. [[then she yell to the back]] what's number 30 on the menu?
This time, another man came out and stared at the menu. He couldn't figure it out either.
me: it's okay. can i just get 2 of those?
lady #1: i can't get it for you because i don't know what it is.
me: [._.]
Then someone in the back yelled out, "It's the rice cake!"
lady #1: [[to another lady]] we should figure out which number is which dish, it'll be easier in the future.
i thought it was amusing and was pleased with myself and my food when i left. i got food :] enough for dinner and tomorrow's breakfast/lunch. |
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| moved |
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| 10:29pm 30/08/2009 |
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i moved. while i have a place to live, and it's the exact same living situation and set up as irvine, i feel "homeless" for some reason. Maybe it's because it's all temporary and my future is uncertain.
Sigh. |
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| dream on |
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| 05:05pm 15/07/2009 |
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job hunting is not going too well. =x i think part of me gave up. but what that mean is moving back to texas. it has been tentatively decided that i will be moving back to texas early october. after my birthday. before baby max's birthday.
it's probably smarter if i move back earlier. saves money. but i want to stay a little bit longer. sigh. self-fish and stupid. just a bit.
my mum is really pushing me to get a job as a teacher in vietnam. why am i writing this at my internship place? so inappropriate. but it's not like i have anything better to do. i've been on facebook playing epic pet wars -_- but really, teaching in vietnam sounds wonderful. it's what i want to do. or is it? because there are some hesitations. maybe because i want to go teach in japan first, then vietnam. not vietnam then japan. there's something about doing vietnam first that make me feel like i would never be able to go to japan. maybe i just want to be in japan now. i do want to be in japan now.
within the past 36 hours, i had so many options and possibilities that i don't know where to start.
it all started with the attractive advert that i said i can work while travel in australia! oh my, how could i resist. the package is about $1000, the company will assist me find a job, find housing, set up bank account, the whole shebang to get me started in aussie. i immediately call mum up, "mum i wanna go to aussie and work" after the initial shock, mum said "where did this come from?" then i told her about the program, and she asked where am i gonna get the money to go. and i said, "you?" surprising, she didn't throw thunderbolts at me and told me to scram and hang up the phone. in fact, she told me to look into it some more.
so i did research and looked into it and found a bunch of information that both scares and excites me. apparently one of the highest paying job in australia is fruit picking. FRUIT PICKING! for $17/hr. i know, right??? and it is very common for travelers/backpackers. also other jobs you can get as a visitor are in restaurants, bars, ranch, nanny-ish jobs. i refrain from sharing these information with my mum. i don't think she would be please to find out that she's sending me half way around the world to pick fruits and follow the crops like immigrants during the 1920s. but hey mum, i get pay $17/hr!!
but i didn't have to tell her anything, i got a call back from her and she said she had consulted my pessimistic, conservative aunt who will destroy all dream that are out of the ordinary. well, mum didn't put it that way, but that's how i felt after mum told me that my aunt said life is hard in aussie, harder than here, it's not worth going there and mum said to reconsider. and sadly that really dampens my spirit, and i am reconsidering. in fact, i scrapped that dream. not scrapped it completely, but put it on hold until the day where i have $4000 to blow.
well, anyway. since i was on a roll with my dream boat, i looked into working on cruise ships. and found out it's almost impossible to find a job with my personality. but a lot of ships need manicurist and beautician, and my mind went, "oh, i should've taken my manicurist license when i had the chance. maybe i should take it now. speaking of license, i need to find out about the TEFL certificate. maybe i should get both." so i went to look up TEFL classes, and found out they're about $200-$800, depends on how well prepared i want to be. and while looking up TEFL classes, i ran into the TEFL pamphlet created by peace corps, and that reminded me i need to finish my peace corps applications. oh right, i haven't told you that. i started on my peace corps applications a few days ago. i am now on the essay and statement of purpose part of the application. i don't know how long it will take me, but it'll be awhile with my procrastination skills.
that summed up what's on my mind for the past 36 hours. as you can see, i am back to where i started. no job and no clue what to do next. peace corps seem like the best deal for me at the moment because it deferred my loans, give me teaching experience, with training similar to TEFL certification program, and i get to travel. not to mention other benefits like job placement and temporary teaching credential when i come back. i'm not all thrilled about it as it was the back up plan this whole time. the main plan was japan. but since nothing is going well, i might as well start somewhere.
it's a long entry. i tried to be entertaining :] thanks for reading.
so tell me, is there a sense for me to continue searching for part time jobs in california?
P.S. why isn't there anything in the U.S that's remotely similar to aussie work & travel thing? pick up a job for a few weeks/months, get pay, leave to travel, pick up another job somewhere else and repeat the cycle. i think it's do able in the U.S if you have extra money to spare.
P.S.S. i think my mum is freakishly awesome for being so supportive of all my craziness and indecisiveness and spontaneity. |
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| my tired head is talking |
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| 11:07pm 05/07/2009 |
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it's summer and the ants are back =\ sometimes i wonder if i produce the ants. when i got my room at anime expo and set up my bed on the floor, i found ants randomly scattered around me. and i found a bite on my arm in the morning.
now i find ants randomly scattered around me in my bed. there's no trail. just a single ant popping out once in a while. it's quite bothersome.
i want to have cake and tea.
when i was at anime expo, people were making comments that was a bit troubling to me.
staffer: hey i remember you from last night. you were a troublemaker.
ann: ... ?
volunteer: hey i saw you last night, did you have fun?
ann: ... ?
why the "...?" because i was asleep "last night"! my brain is saying, "omg i have a split personality that roam around at night! Lain status!" and my sense of logic is saying, "i think they're joking around or there's a twin version of me out there."
either way... something happened last night that i'm not aware of =x |
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| i did stuff |
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| 05:13pm 24/06/2009 |
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an interesting day at my internship, i must say
- posted on forums and found out i got banned
- i got to staple stuff!!! omg!!! that's the most i've ever gotten to do around here
- fell asleep while finding forums to post stuff
- logged on aim to stay awake
- my boss asked me how much i weight =x i think i concerned people
- learned what "shill" is and doesn't like it
i think it's a relatively interesting day so far. some sarcasm intended. we're heading out to our meeting soon and i will be fed. |
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| it's complicated. |
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| 03:02am 22/06/2009 |
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Before you read this entry, you should be warned.
Warning 1: It's long.
Warning 2: It's a downer.
Warning 3: It's a whiner.
Warning 4: Don't say things to cheer me up. I just need to whine, I'm not looking for comments to make me feel better. Writing the entry itself makes me feel better.
Due to the nature of Irvine being emptied out for summer break, I was haunted by its eerie silence when I woke up at noon today.
Coincidentally it reminded me of a realization that I had last year when all my friends are graduating: There's nothing for me here in California. And there's nothing for me in Texas.
By "nothing" I mean, I don't have any strong reason why I should be there. Maybe "nothing" is a poor choice of word. "Should" is a bad word to use too. I don't have any reason for wanting to be here or there. I have my family in Texas. And friends in California. Friends are wonderful but fleeting, as I've learned. Once I leave Irvine, there are high chances I won't see these people again. Family I ought to be with, since my time with them are limited and they are irreplaceable. But the selfish part of me said that if I decide to move to Texas, it would be the equivalent of locking myself up in a cage.
But everything that's happening in my life right now feel like a fucking trap. Maybe "everything" is also not a good word to use. Everything that's worth mentioning. Like my internship. I think that's the biggest trap I set up for myself and fell in like a dumb ass. Like people I think are my friends. I want to think that my friends are worth staying for, but the logical part of me is telling me that I'm a dumb ass for staying because of them. Friends come and go. We meet, we bond, we fall apart. Eventually. It's almost inevitable. The friends that I have right now will one day leave and pursue their own thing. And the dumb ass that decided to stay will wonder what the fuck am I gonna do now that no one is here? I'm just frustrated with the mistakes I've made. I just need to complain so it'll be easier to deal with.
I'm such a downer, right? The cup is half-empty with me. For sure. No more denying.
It feels like I've constantly been misunderstood...maybe that's why it feels like no one except for a rare few that know who I am. I'm not an open book. And I'm not completely closed off. Things people wish to know about me are available, it's just that the right questions need to be ask.
What brought this up...
Today, I spent the whole day with Lelouch (it's a nickname)... for selfish reason. It was because I was afraid of being by myself that I suggested that us two should hang out. He didn't mind, so it was my win. But it's my relationship with Lelouch that troubles me. Lelouch is in my frat family (but he's not one of my little brothers), and because of that "family" bond that we hang out with each other. In many good ways, bestowing the concept of the family upon us make us feel obligated to hang out with each other, make us get to know people we other wise wouldn't spend time with. But when I made the selfish suggestion today, I had to wonder, if he was just an ordinary friend I happened to know from campus, would he still say yes? Let's be honest, I'm not the most entertaining person to be around, nor am I interesting. Sometimes I'm just scared to hang out with people simply because I don't know what to do with them. And those thoughts make me feel a bit lonely and disturbed.
It should also be taken into consideration that the title of "family" makes it easier to hang out since we don't have to worry about boy/girl relationship stuff. But I really appreciate Lelouch spending time with me. I had fun. And it's an honor that he decided to spend his time with me rather than doing other things he could've been doing.
I've realistically asked myself that if Potato, Donkey, Llama, and Taz weren't my little brothers, would I ever hang out with them? The answer is No. The same answer apply with Bubble, Lelouch, Pink, Green, and Pie, who are all in my family. I rarely hang out with people from school, much less with people from an organization on campus. I have nothing against hanging out, it's just that it's not something I've been doing with people from school. People who met me through such places see the shyer side of me, the "presentable" side of me I guess, and they already judge me and have a set of expectations of me that I think I don't fit most of the time. And with these people, I feel like I can never be comfortable being myself... so sometimes I think it's pointless to hang around them sometimes even though I do enjoy my time with them. But you know... even though I don't think some of these people will ever see me in my comfort zone... knowing that they want me around make me feel loved, even if it's just a little. Even if it's just formality.
I can't bring myself to think that people want to hang out with me because they enjoy being with me. I can only think that people call me to hang out because they feel obligated since I'm a part of the group. It's always obligation. Sometimes, it's because I am the last resort or a replacement, an alternative for someone else. Yeah, I know, I have very little faith in people. It's because I know what kind of person I am, and I know that people tend to not like spending or investing time in people like me. I know there are people out there who are eager to break the shells of people like me, and there are people who just ignore my shells and waltz right in and I love those people to death... because with those people... I'm not getting the short end of the straws.
I guess I'll end the entry here with one of my favorite quotes:
"I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best." – Marilyn Monroe
Lastly, my choice of vocabs suck.
Well, I hope this entry looks long enough to discourage you from reading it. |
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| 01:45am 18/05/2009 |
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i had to delete my loudtweet thing. i didn't like how they look on my LJ. i have an account that i do text message updates..usaginobaka. it's the exact same thing i update on my twitter, but i post more random thoughts on it than twitter. it's been there for a while. and sometimes i don't remember what happened that made me wrote the things i did, but it reminded me of what my roommate said to Nemesis. "ann, you sound like you're high sometimes."
that's what my text messages updates sound like.
"07 April 2008 @ 10:10 pm
Posted using TxtLJ
Its trippy to think that at one point i didnt have a yesterday. The day i was born."
what brought that up?? what was I on? |
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| job like this EXIST!?!?! |
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| 07:34pm 16/05/2009 |
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"Benefactor seeks 18-24 yr old models/actresses (Newport/LA)
Date: 2009-05-16, 3:05PM PDT
I am extremely wealthy and I just love to spoil! I am 36, fit, and considered handsome and I am just too busy for the bar scene, so please reply with your image, and tell me all about yourself and why you deserve to have a sugar boyfriend? I will help with your modelling photo packages/acting classes/bills just have a fun attitude and love to travel. I am for real and will send you my image and sorry, no smokers or druggies need apply. Please send me image and I will do the same..."
I found that in the Tv/Film/Radio job section. Darn! Too bad I don't have the right moral and principles for it :[ Nor am I a model or actress. |
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| the link |
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| 03:52am 15/05/2009 |
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sometimes, retarded people like me, hold on to painful memories of other people, because that pain is the only connection i have left of those people.
but why am i still holding on?
i'm not over you. and i hate myself for it. |
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| strawberry field forever |
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| 05:59pm 09/05/2009 |
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i'm dreaming of a wild strawberry field where the vines crawl along the ground, the fruits themselves are smaller than a nickel, and within every foot is a strawberry so you can't walk around freely without stepping on them.
but when i finally got there, the strawberries are gone. all that left are green leaves and budding flowers.
sigh... |
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| guilty pleasure |
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| 02:54am 19/04/2009 |
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my current guilty pleasure is the song "Love Story" by Taylor Swift.
the song is very cute. simple. sweet. puppy-love all around. a true fairy tale love story. but that's as far as it goes. the love doesn't go very deep either, since she was losing faith in him at one point... it didn't take much for her to lose faith -_- typical puppy love.
it's a guilty pleasure because it's nice to dream about, but be sure to take this song to heart with a huge dose with reality check.
but i think sometimes i just want to live in that love story, just because it's so simple. real life should be that simple. haha.
here ya go, indulge in the guilty pleasure with me. ;)
( Love Story )
p.s: i can be found rocking out to this song in my bed...pj and all.
on a different note, i was suppose to be doing a lot of different things today... but none of them happened for one reason or another. eat and drink everything at wayzgoose... didn't happen cuz we were in a rush. buy a shirt at wayzgoose... nope, cuz they ran out >=[ go to the arts lab to duplicate a tape, nope cuz of wayzgoose. watch a movie, nope cuz i got back late from dinner. get 99cent taco, nope cuz i went to get pho instead. have a good bowl of pho, nope cuz i got chicken pho. clean up my room, nope cuz i was out all day. -_- and i've been online since i got back from dinner. but it's a good saturday! i wish i have more time for myself tho... i've been so busy lately, i hardly have time to think. maybe that's a good thing. thinking too much can mess you up.
"You don’t get to pick your own nickname. They’ve gotta give you one. It’s like we’re all tryin’ to make pets out of each other and we’re not comfortable unless we get to name ‘em." -- Laura Moncur
^^^^ that made me laugh. it's so true XD all my pets... :D |
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| random tibit |
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| 07:06pm 15/04/2009 |
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first of, thank you those who reply to the previous entry. it'll take be awhile to digest it. i agree with you that i need to live my own life, and my parents need to stop relying on me all the time. it'll be in a long and endless argument in my head..and hopefully i'll come to a conclusion that's right for me. sometimes my sense of duty takes over and there's no arguing with it.
i didn't know until i had to look up how to spell "tibit" but "tibit" means tiny unit of information...computer talk. it's like......way way way way way way way way tinier than a bit. way tinier.
i'm in class right now. not paying attention obviously. she's talking about neurotransmitters... and drugs... whaa?
my hair is long enough to be tie again. so i put them in pigtails...and someone said i look 12 -.-
today, i enjoyed my internship a little more than last week. i'm actually not just doing saving and uploading pictures. it was a little bit different today, and my boss said someone responded to the mass email i sent out, so i felt like i accomplished something.
it slightly creep me out that the one thing i look forward to see at my internship is my boss. i'm not sure if he's good looking or not, that's tbe problem though, i don't remember what he looks like. the last time i saw him was when he interviewed and hired me. ever since he's been giving me order and instructions through msn, not email, but msn. it's kind of an interesting/weird experience. i want human interactions. i have the option of working from home if i want to, but i told him when he hired me that i prefer to come in because i want to interact with other people, but sadly this job has very little interactions with other people. sometimes i dread my internship. i hope that they will eventually pay me :[
and i feel very dumb having to ask on msn 5 times a day if there's anything else for me to do. because my previous "is there anything else i can do?" is still there...and i'm already asking again. i know it's not my fault that i don't know what my job entails yet, or what my duties are and it's good that i'm asking. but just seeing how much i have to repeat the same question... i dunno, it makes me feel oddly useless and stupid.
i'm sick again. i don't think i've ever been sick twice within such short period of time. but i guess the lack of eating, the stress and overworking would make anyone sick.
APO pledging started again, and i like the omicrons pledges bery bery much :] because a lot of them like anime. haha.
maybe i should pay attention of the lecture now...
The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friendship. – Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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| the weight on my shoulder |
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| 10:08pm 09/04/2009 |
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i'm stressed out.
i'm not having fun.
what the fuck am i doing with my life?
i really really really really hate... sincerely hate... with a passion HATE money. because it always stress me out.
i'm gonna rant. because i need to.
so the economy sucks. george w. bush sucks. i need a scapegoat. now everyone is screwed over. my dad got laid off. we're already way below the poverty line even with both my parents working. now my dad got laid off. my mum doesn't make much money from her job, she's a manicurist btw. yeah, she doesn't make much money. to make the matter worse, she got into a car accident. not her fault. and she's okay. her car is undriveable. i haven't seen it. cuz i'm here in sunny california having fun. i'm kind of glad i'm not home in texas, but at the same time, i'm guilt-ridden as fuck. but my mum is okay. she's a little bit scare of driving right now, so dad is driving her to work and picking her up everyday. it's a good thing my dad is laid off right? (sarcasm intended). okay, voice in my head that telling me who might think what, you need to shut up. but anyway, my dad is suppose to be getting unemployment money right? no, wrong. he's not getting unemployment money. you know why? because the company he was working at only hire him as a tempt. so no relief money. so okay. that's fine, it's still manageable somehow. i'll work. i'll get another job and work and send whatever extra i have back home. i applied to crap load of places and some guy call me back within 3 hours and offer me an internship as a website manager. okay, internship, great i'll earn some experience and maybe they're hire me there. what the fuck was i thinking? the internship doesn't pay. it takes up a chunk of my time where i could be working and getting pay somewhere else. and my schedule sucks ball this quarter. 2 of my classes are night classes that only meets once a week. and one of the classes is on monday night, which is also the only night that i get to work. so fuck class, i need the hours. i'm getting about 5-8 hours a week, and 3 of those hours are from the monday night. i negotiated with my co-worker and i'm getting some hours this friday so that help me out a little bit. the hours from the internship, night classes and late meetings... they're really taking a toll on me. so i just feel like life sucks this whole week, even though it doesn't suck... it's just really wearing me out.
but it gets lovelier! my mum called me and said that my dad hasn't been receiving his credit card bills but he got a letter that said he hasn't been paying for his credit bill (why didn't my dad call me?), and because of that the late fee racks up, they asked him to pay some absurd amount. he has been stressing out because of the unemployment, and adding insult to injury, this credit card bull shit happened. and in case you don't know, whenever my parents stress out, i get stress out. i don't know why, it just works that way. when things are really bad, you can find me banging my head against my laptop or pulling my hair our, or both. and they don't understand just how much they affect me. i tend to become impatient and cranky when i talk to them. and at times like these, i know they really need me to be there. and i know they always want me to come back home so they have someone to rely on. and that just add more to the weight i'm already carrying. they've been guilt tripping me to go back to texas, and to some extend, i guess they won. i have my own life and dreams i want to follow, and going back to texas mean giving up all of that. it's not the end, there are ways i can work around it. and my parents can find a way to manage, right? it just really breaks my heart whenever they say things like "at times like these, we wish you were around to help us."
and i haven't talk to anyone lately. i guess i've been bottling a little bit. never too old to bottle. after spring break, i feel like i have another family who'll be there for me, so when i was really upset, they were one of the first people i want to contact. but i didn't of course. i'm sure they would've made me feel better. i'm sure they wouldn't have minded. i guess i was thinking that i shouldn't bother them with my trivial problems. and a part of me feel like i didn't make a big connection with them... and i feel i don't fit in for the most part. but it could just be because i don't talk much. i'll just give it more time with them. even with my friends from cambridge, i don't talk much, but they always make me feel welcome in the group. it's weird because we feel so close to each other. after spending so much time with each other, how could you not, right? but i still feel distant. i want to close that distance but i'm not sure how. did i build a wall and not see it? this is why i post the last entry. i want these people to be apart of my life and i want them to be my friends, or "family" as we call ourselves. but why is there still a wall between us? i really doubt they read this, but to Bolt, thanks for reaching out to me and included me in everything even though our connection is not that strong. it will be, right? :) thank you Okasan for treating me like everyone else, and i'm sorry i suck at talking. thank you Gangsta for teaching me to dance, include me in everything and giving me the positive energy. everyone is really nice and fantastic people. so that i want to keep them in my life.
so that 3 paragraphs used to be 1 giant paragraphs. i figure it would discouraged people from reading. but i know some people (like you) would read it anyway. so i broke them up. see? i'm nice.
i feel a lot better now :)
btw...i bought 60 volumes of manga because there was a sale. the box arrived yesterday and it's pretty damn awesome :D |
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lilbratbunny's journal